I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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