It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
