I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
