Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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