He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
