Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
