'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
