oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
