i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
