I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
