I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
