this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
