last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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