I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
