i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
