I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I think I just sharted jello shots
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