I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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