dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
whose parrot is this?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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