I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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