The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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