the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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