i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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