I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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