he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think my moral compass just broke
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
