before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
