This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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