Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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