ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
