Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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