that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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