I only kidnapped one of them. chill
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
