You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
