I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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