yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
