1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
