What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
