it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
