Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
