today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
