i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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