Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
