I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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