she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
