1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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