mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
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My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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