I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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