I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
