...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
