my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
