fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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