Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Randomize
