Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Is it because I queefed?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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