The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
