The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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