i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I still have a little drunk in my system
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
