I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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