Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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