dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
