my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he thought i was a dude.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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