sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
