There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
