We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
